My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
You Might Also Like
What if all the cashiers are married?
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
3% human
97% stress
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious