My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
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I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable