My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
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You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
what’s the point then??
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I did not eat the cake…
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.