My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
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I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No