my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
You Might Also Like
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
😲 WTF? 😆
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
My plans: 2020:
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
This kid will have a bright future.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh