My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
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Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Me, flirting😏
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
lmfao come on
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”