My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
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If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?