My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
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After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that