My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
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My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Oh. My. God.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):