My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
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When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.