My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
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Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter