My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
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police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
You sure about that?
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!