My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Customize Your Wedding.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
mentally somewhere in italy
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost