My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
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credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons