My warrants are pretty outstanding.
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This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.