My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
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Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me: