My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
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“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife