My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
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“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
called in thicc to work this morning
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
She puts the hot in psychotic
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
No, I don’t think I will.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge