@clichedout doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
@ericsshadow My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
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@clichedout 
@_janna_g has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
@PaperWash doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
@fillthevacuum *rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
@DannyZuker Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
@bluesparrowbaby Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
@MollySneed I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
@ddsmidt If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
@NewDadNotes God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
@QwertyJones3 GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT