My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
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You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.