@ericsshadow

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

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@JayFinW

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

@ChaseMit

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

@WritePlay

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

@causticbob

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

@Kyle1092

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

@ShortSleeveSuit

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

@RobinSage76

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

@DirtyMelodies

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

@slimmy_shady

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

@AllanForsyth

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.