[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
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Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Knock Knock
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir