My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
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them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
some things should go without saying
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
synchronized noseblowing
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
How dude HOW?!
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
these two trucks have the same bed length
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!