My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.

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I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.


BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit


[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.


*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*act surprised when they mention it*



Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..


“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?


“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin


I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.


Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.