My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
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I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Finally! 😈
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Just me and my debit card against the world
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.