My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
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My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.