My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
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ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
*watches the world burn*
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no