My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
You Might Also Like
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume