My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
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me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
My dog after a walk in the woods.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.