“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
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I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Me, flirting😏
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread