My what?
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2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own