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@baronvonbike

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

@HonestlyJon

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

@MarfSalvador

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

@LackOfShame

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

@Stellacopter

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

@randygdub

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

@HousewifeOfHell

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

@TheBoydP

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

@CulturedRuffian

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

@AnniemuMary

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.