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At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.


A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL



Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!


I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.


Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.


hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that


You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.


Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…


If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic


When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.