My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
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Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.