My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
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[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Best mom ever 😂
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
What if all the cashiers are married?
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):