My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
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Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
dutch is not a serious language