My whole life was a lie.
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My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad