my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
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Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Bloody internet 😳
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.