my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
this is literally a CIA plant
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.