My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
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“You’d better run, egg!”
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
…..pretty much.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch