@TheCiscoKidder

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

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@oneawkwardmom

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

@WilliamAder

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

@Dawn_M_

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

@hoedeehoe

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

@KeetPotato

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

@stevevsninjas

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

@TheCiscoKidder

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.