My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
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If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Ha
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.