My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
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Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind: