My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
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[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
R.I.P.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
emergency phone
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help