My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
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Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.