@HenpeckedHal

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

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@Playing_Dad

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

@mdob11

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

@yoyoha

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

@Michael1979

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

@GarrettCake

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

@rickit

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

@dadnceli

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

@Elizasoul80

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV