My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
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If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.