My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
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You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.