“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
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Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.