My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
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The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?