My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
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3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on