My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
You Might Also Like
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Jokes on them. I took 10.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.