My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
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BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on