My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
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Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
our love story in four pictures
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down