My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
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oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
This is so me 😂😂
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*