My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
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Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I’ve had relationships like this
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years