My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
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Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.